How I learned to never barter for landscaping
At the height of the real estate bubble, I bought a rental house in the summer of 2006, and the backyard was just bare dirt. The first month-to-month tenants I had were a young couple that offered to install grass in the back in exchange for a portion off the first month's rent, as they had a friend in the business who had several rolls of Bobsod™ from a lawn install where the customer didn't pay. They knew all the lingo, so I believed them when they swore they had installed lawns professionally in the past, so it seemed like a fair deal.
They laid it down and two months later they said they were getting divorced and had to move out ASAP. They paid their rent, but the lawn looked a bit wonky. I thought about making it an issue, but they were an emotional mess, so I just let them go. Unfortunately, they took the above ground hose sprinklers I had bought until I could afford an in-ground system, so while I was searching for new renters I set up another couple of sprinklers with a timer and had the place cleaned by a three lady crew. A month later another married couple named Jim and Karen needed a month-to-month deal while their new house was getting built, so I agreed. They moved in on a Saturday.
That Monday night I get an email from her husband, asking me to send over an exterminator. I called his cell, and he said he's seen a few roaches, so I said "sure, no problem.". I called it in and they tell me the guy is scheduled to go the next afternoon. Wednesday morning I go by the house to drop off a welcome basket of coffee and chocolates (I was a fresh new landlord) and Karen welcomes me in. Tells me she's glad to see me, and asks "Did my husband tell you what happened with the roaches?"
I said, "Umm, he mentioned he'd seen a few, so I called the exterminator. Did the guy come by yesterday?"
She shook her head. "Yeah the guy came by, but that's Jim. He's always downplays everything."
I asked her what happened.
"Well, this guy Mike came from (the exterminating company) and he was a big biker guy. Tattoos all over him. He was a little scary looking so I told him to go around to the back yard, that's where the roaches are. I was watching from the arcadia door. He's got this big canister he's carrying with a long metal wand. So he starts going around the yard with this wand, spraying the top of it, when he leans over and sticks the wand into a big crack in the lawn. You know, whoever put your lawn in did a really bad job of it... anyway, he starts pumping that canister with one hand and he's got the wand stuck in the ground up to his hand, and that thing was like two foot long so I don't know how deep it was. So then, it was like biblical, something out of a movie... this like, FUNNEL CLOUD of roaches like, shoots out of the ground straight up in the air over his head and then flattens out like a mushroom over him. He starts screaming and spraying that wand everywhere around wild, like it's a sword or something, and those roaches are biting him and swarming all around him. Did I tell you this guy was a huge biker? Screaming like he was on fire. I was scared too, and I was behind the arcadia door. Those roaches were flowing out of the ground in all directions, running from that poison he pumped in there, and what wasn't after him was crawling up the walls of the block fence in sheets, and going over the sides. So he drops his wand thingie and he's running all around the yard, freaking out trying to brush off all the roaches and he sees me through the glass. He starts running toward me and I know he wants in but NO WAY, I'm not opening the door, so I lock it real quick. He starts begging me to open the door and let him in. I yelled at him to go 'round the front but he's not going, he's just dancing around the patio like a crazy person hitting himself all over. He starts begging again, so I told him ok, I'm gonna open it up just enough for you to get in, but don't let none a them bugs in with you. He says okay, and I go okay, on three, right? So I count to three and flip up the lock and he busts in and shuts it super quick. He's still got roaches on him so I grab the little rug I keep in front of the sink and start slapping them off him. He's beating himself, and I'm beating him with the rug 'till we got all the roaches we could see off him and on the floor. His eyes are still like, huge and then he rips his shirt off and he's got 'em inside... it was sooo gross. I beat those off of him too. We start stomping them and when we're done we both kinda looked at each other and he's all out of breath but he was just like "holy shiiiit, that was crazy!". So he helped me clean up all the roach parts and then he got another canister out of the truck and sprayed in here, top to bottom. I've never seen anything like that. Why didn't you tell us this place had roaches?"
I was stunned. I said I had no idea the place was infested - I just bought it and did a termite inspection and the exterminator never mentioned anything. I told her that was quite a story, and that it was strange her husband didn't say anything if there was that big of a problem. I asked her if they had seen any more than the few he said he saw.
"Oh we didn't see any in the house but a couple in the kitchen sink. It was when Jim turned on the back porch light. He called me over to look out. The whole yard was moving in waves like the ocean, from one wall to the other. We got the flashlight and shined it out there, and that's when we saw they were roaches, like hundreds of thousands of them. That's when he turned off the porch light and emailed you."
I went to the arcadia door and looked out. On the side of the yard I see his abandoned equipment; the wand is bent. The lawn looked empty in the sun, just dried up sod and a big trampled spot in the middle. I unlocked the sliding door to walk out and she said, "I'm not goin' out there with you. I had enough yesterday."
After her story I was a bit nervous as I walked across the yard, but since I didn't have a bucket of pesticide to wage war with, I figured I was probably safe. The lawn was definitely different than when I saw it last, the long rows of sod were buckled up with big fissures running the whole length. Some of them did look a bit deep. I walked back, wiped my shoes on the mat and stepped into the house. I told Karen how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and that I was going to call the exterminator and make sure they were on a schedule from now on and we'd make sure to get everything taken care of. She said she appreciated it, thanked me for the basket and I left.
When I called the exterminating company and gave them my address, the guy on the phone started laughing and said "Yeah, dude, you wanna talk to Mike. I'm sure he'll be happy to talk to you." He gave me his cell number, and I hung up and dialed it.
"This is Mike."
"Uh, hi. I'm the owner of the house with the infested back yard you sprayed yesterday. I guess it had a roach problem?"
"Oh yeah, man. It has a roach problem. More like a fuckin' Roach Apocalypse. I ain't never seen nothing' like it. That shit was… you ever seen that movie 'The Mummy' with that guy... what's his name...tall guy... Brendan Fraser? It was like that part when the scarabs were zoomin' through the cave at that one guy, just a rolling carpet of them. They were everywhere, man - when I sprayed inside that crack in the sod they came up pissed, like a fire hose straight at my head. I fought 'em as long as I could but there was too many of them. How long you let it get like that?"
"It's only been sitting vacant for about a month. I just bought it a few months ago and had it professionally cleaned. Termite inspector didn't say anything about roaches. I never even saw one."
"How long has that sod been there?"
"Couple of months. The first tenants put it in on a barter deal."
"Shit, that's your problem right there. I asked my boss about it and he said he'd only seen it once before, and he's been in the business for thirty years. He said the assholes that put your yard in didn't know what they were doing and didn't tamp it down good enough. I guess there was a space in between the sod and the ground, and you'd been watering it for a while, but then the water probably stopped. A couple of American Reds flew in and you had yourself a goddamn Adam and Eve in the fuckin' Garden of Eden. With all that dark space and wet sod just bakin' in the sun, they start loving' it up reeeaal goood and before you know it, two turned into two friggin' million. Probably only took a couple of weeks, really. They work fast. You got a big problem."
"Wow. I thought the tenant was pulling my leg with that story, but I guess it's true. I'm really sorry, man. I'll call the shop and get you guys back out there to finish the job. How many more times do you think it'll take before they're all gone?"
"Beats me, man. You can call Bill but I'm not going out there again. I was in Desert Storm and saw shit I don't like to talk about, but you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that house. I didn't sleep last night."
Spoke to Bill. Bill's a funny guy. He suggested we dust off and nuke it from space.
They laid it down and two months later they said they were getting divorced and had to move out ASAP. They paid their rent, but the lawn looked a bit wonky. I thought about making it an issue, but they were an emotional mess, so I just let them go. Unfortunately, they took the above ground hose sprinklers I had bought until I could afford an in-ground system, so while I was searching for new renters I set up another couple of sprinklers with a timer and had the place cleaned by a three lady crew. A month later another married couple named Jim and Karen needed a month-to-month deal while their new house was getting built, so I agreed. They moved in on a Saturday.
That Monday night I get an email from her husband, asking me to send over an exterminator. I called his cell, and he said he's seen a few roaches, so I said "sure, no problem.". I called it in and they tell me the guy is scheduled to go the next afternoon. Wednesday morning I go by the house to drop off a welcome basket of coffee and chocolates (I was a fresh new landlord) and Karen welcomes me in. Tells me she's glad to see me, and asks "Did my husband tell you what happened with the roaches?"
I said, "Umm, he mentioned he'd seen a few, so I called the exterminator. Did the guy come by yesterday?"
She shook her head. "Yeah the guy came by, but that's Jim. He's always downplays everything."
I asked her what happened.
"Well, this guy Mike came from (the exterminating company) and he was a big biker guy. Tattoos all over him. He was a little scary looking so I told him to go around to the back yard, that's where the roaches are. I was watching from the arcadia door. He's got this big canister he's carrying with a long metal wand. So he starts going around the yard with this wand, spraying the top of it, when he leans over and sticks the wand into a big crack in the lawn. You know, whoever put your lawn in did a really bad job of it... anyway, he starts pumping that canister with one hand and he's got the wand stuck in the ground up to his hand, and that thing was like two foot long so I don't know how deep it was. So then, it was like biblical, something out of a movie... this like, FUNNEL CLOUD of roaches like, shoots out of the ground straight up in the air over his head and then flattens out like a mushroom over him. He starts screaming and spraying that wand everywhere around wild, like it's a sword or something, and those roaches are biting him and swarming all around him. Did I tell you this guy was a huge biker? Screaming like he was on fire. I was scared too, and I was behind the arcadia door. Those roaches were flowing out of the ground in all directions, running from that poison he pumped in there, and what wasn't after him was crawling up the walls of the block fence in sheets, and going over the sides. So he drops his wand thingie and he's running all around the yard, freaking out trying to brush off all the roaches and he sees me through the glass. He starts running toward me and I know he wants in but NO WAY, I'm not opening the door, so I lock it real quick. He starts begging me to open the door and let him in. I yelled at him to go 'round the front but he's not going, he's just dancing around the patio like a crazy person hitting himself all over. He starts begging again, so I told him ok, I'm gonna open it up just enough for you to get in, but don't let none a them bugs in with you. He says okay, and I go okay, on three, right? So I count to three and flip up the lock and he busts in and shuts it super quick. He's still got roaches on him so I grab the little rug I keep in front of the sink and start slapping them off him. He's beating himself, and I'm beating him with the rug 'till we got all the roaches we could see off him and on the floor. His eyes are still like, huge and then he rips his shirt off and he's got 'em inside... it was sooo gross. I beat those off of him too. We start stomping them and when we're done we both kinda looked at each other and he's all out of breath but he was just like "holy shiiiit, that was crazy!". So he helped me clean up all the roach parts and then he got another canister out of the truck and sprayed in here, top to bottom. I've never seen anything like that. Why didn't you tell us this place had roaches?"
I was stunned. I said I had no idea the place was infested - I just bought it and did a termite inspection and the exterminator never mentioned anything. I told her that was quite a story, and that it was strange her husband didn't say anything if there was that big of a problem. I asked her if they had seen any more than the few he said he saw.
"Oh we didn't see any in the house but a couple in the kitchen sink. It was when Jim turned on the back porch light. He called me over to look out. The whole yard was moving in waves like the ocean, from one wall to the other. We got the flashlight and shined it out there, and that's when we saw they were roaches, like hundreds of thousands of them. That's when he turned off the porch light and emailed you."
I went to the arcadia door and looked out. On the side of the yard I see his abandoned equipment; the wand is bent. The lawn looked empty in the sun, just dried up sod and a big trampled spot in the middle. I unlocked the sliding door to walk out and she said, "I'm not goin' out there with you. I had enough yesterday."
After her story I was a bit nervous as I walked across the yard, but since I didn't have a bucket of pesticide to wage war with, I figured I was probably safe. The lawn was definitely different than when I saw it last, the long rows of sod were buckled up with big fissures running the whole length. Some of them did look a bit deep. I walked back, wiped my shoes on the mat and stepped into the house. I told Karen how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and that I was going to call the exterminator and make sure they were on a schedule from now on and we'd make sure to get everything taken care of. She said she appreciated it, thanked me for the basket and I left.
When I called the exterminating company and gave them my address, the guy on the phone started laughing and said "Yeah, dude, you wanna talk to Mike. I'm sure he'll be happy to talk to you." He gave me his cell number, and I hung up and dialed it.
"This is Mike."
"Uh, hi. I'm the owner of the house with the infested back yard you sprayed yesterday. I guess it had a roach problem?"
"Oh yeah, man. It has a roach problem. More like a fuckin' Roach Apocalypse. I ain't never seen nothing' like it. That shit was… you ever seen that movie 'The Mummy' with that guy... what's his name...tall guy... Brendan Fraser? It was like that part when the scarabs were zoomin' through the cave at that one guy, just a rolling carpet of them. They were everywhere, man - when I sprayed inside that crack in the sod they came up pissed, like a fire hose straight at my head. I fought 'em as long as I could but there was too many of them. How long you let it get like that?"
"It's only been sitting vacant for about a month. I just bought it a few months ago and had it professionally cleaned. Termite inspector didn't say anything about roaches. I never even saw one."
"How long has that sod been there?"
"Couple of months. The first tenants put it in on a barter deal."
"Shit, that's your problem right there. I asked my boss about it and he said he'd only seen it once before, and he's been in the business for thirty years. He said the assholes that put your yard in didn't know what they were doing and didn't tamp it down good enough. I guess there was a space in between the sod and the ground, and you'd been watering it for a while, but then the water probably stopped. A couple of American Reds flew in and you had yourself a goddamn Adam and Eve in the fuckin' Garden of Eden. With all that dark space and wet sod just bakin' in the sun, they start loving' it up reeeaal goood and before you know it, two turned into two friggin' million. Probably only took a couple of weeks, really. They work fast. You got a big problem."
"Wow. I thought the tenant was pulling my leg with that story, but I guess it's true. I'm really sorry, man. I'll call the shop and get you guys back out there to finish the job. How many more times do you think it'll take before they're all gone?"
"Beats me, man. You can call Bill but I'm not going out there again. I was in Desert Storm and saw shit I don't like to talk about, but you couldn't pay me enough to go back to that house. I didn't sleep last night."
Spoke to Bill. Bill's a funny guy. He suggested we dust off and nuke it from space.